Spain: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

After several months of this country I now feel qualified to give my verdict on what I consider to be the best points and the worst points of Spain. I speak with a combination of authority, awe, bitterness and total desperation - the only way to reflect on a year abroad.

GOOD

People

This is a nation of children. Liberal (to the point of absurdity, mind), and a lust for life which I'm told is possibly rivalled in some parts of Latin America, but otherwise just not. They live for today. They live. They party. They do not worry about tomorrow. They are the most human human beings I have encountered. They are also the most self-centred people I have ever encountered. And the happiest. They get on with their lives and expect others to do the same. I am frequently horrified by the way everyone knocks into each other, everyone shouts, the children run and yelling and playing, and yet no-one is concerned by this (apart from me! Ha!). It is accepted. Life is a party and there will be noise and a ridiculous amount of people all around you all the time. People will knock into you constantly but that's ok because that's what happens. They have no spacial awareness whatsoever. They are in their own world. However, they will stop and talk to you and be very friendly and helpful. To a British standard, many things can be considered rude, but that etiquette doesn't exist here. They do not consider that the woman reading her book may get frustrated by the 10 yr olds shouting and playing at the tops of their voices and running around her table. Because if the woman reading her book was Spanish (and not me) she wouldn't notice. The same way that fish do not see the water they're in, the Spanish do not see people around them. The reason this is in the good category, is because unless you're foreign, it doesn't bother you. And they are so very happy.

History

Read all about it. It's rich and fascinating. The town I live in is called a Patrimony of Humanity. Many years ago, Jews, Christians and Muslims lived here in total peace and co-operation, as with many parts of Spain. It happened once. It can happen again. Inshallah. The variance of influences makes this country rich with style and soul. Its religious history is mesmorizing. Ancient Roman towns lie about the place. Toledo (the ancient Capital of Spain) is reminiscent of Jerusalem. It is possible to go back in time in this country.

The weather

It depends on where, when and if you're unluckily enough to be hit by freak hail storms, but generally the weather is beautiful. Mostly, there's more light (I speak from an English perspective). In January daylight can begin to fade at 2pm in England. Here, it's around 6.30pm at the earliest (more or less, I remember my shock at going out at 6.30pm expecting pitch black and nearly blinding myself. I stood on the step in awe for a couple of minutes). The sunlight and the climate do a great deal to encourage the love of life in Spain. Just don't come to Madrid. I have never been so cold in my life. It is STILL warmer in England and I am still wearing a winter coat. Should have gone to Sevilla.

Food

This is matter of personal taste. The most important thing to note is that eating is a social thing in Spain. If you're a sad, single cow like me, you won't get much out of it. However, the fruit and vegetables are beautiful (to buy) and if you go to a good place, they cook meat perfectly. They do go overboard on oil, salt and sugar. A lot of the food can be quite tasteless because you get overwhelmed by a certain spice, too much salt or just too much oil. They don't do curry here. It is impossible to find a healthy breakfast anywhere but in your own home. Everything with sugar. The best possible thing to do is to befriend some guy who will invite you to his home (he will obviously still be living with the parents because any normal person under the age of 35 can't afford to move out due to an extremely messed up property/renting system which is worthy of an essay) where a 'Spanish Momma' will cook for you. I'm still waiting for this to happen, but my only hope disappeared on a peace mission to the Lebanon. Bastard.


BAD

Loud Latino Sex

This occurs at all hours, not necessarily expected hours, and can be most embarrassing when conducting a private English class at 4pm. I only heard 'frantic shagging' once in England, and they were from Israel so it doesn't count. I heard it regularly in Barcelona. When getting used to my little flat here, I once I thought I heard an animal that was in considerable distress in the street. On opening my window to investigate I realised the 'sounds' were coming from above, and that it wasn't a run-over dog, just my blonde neighbour. I have dealt with this by investing in an excellent pair of studio headphones, but the situation is doing nothing for my frown lines. I am currently drowning out extremely objectional sex sounds from the usual suspects and drunken singing from a flat two floors above (they are all singing in chorus to 'Message in a Bottle' by Police and I'm tempted to march upstairs and tell them all how to pronounce it properly, and then throw gone-off food at them. It is 2am, after all! But then I shouldn't be surprised in Spain.)

Traffic

Spain is notorious for it. But really, it's appalling. If cars disappeared tomorrow the entire nation would just die of combined shock and imposed exercise and the economy would collapse (it probably would anywhere, but it would be worse here - a car is like a mobile phone to these people). When I was working in the centre of Madrid, I was once in a bit of a hurry to get to work and therefore walking at a pace (inadvisable in Spain because they simply cannot walk fast and you just bump into them) and as I approached a small escalator at the metro, I saw about 60 people queueing to get on it (and it was about 10 steps) and NO-ONE on the stone steps next to it. They would rather stand around to get on a mechanical elevating device than walk up the stairs. I gave them all a disapproving look and leapt gazelle-like up the small flight of stairs (possible in about 3 strides, possibly 5 if you're elderly). The other day, when looking for a place to park in Salamanca, my friend Steve commented that the good thing about Spain is you know that if you go down to the 3rd floor of an underground carpark you'll instantly get a space because the Spanish aren't prepared to walk up the stairs so they only park in the first two levels. Sounds a bit harsh, but it's actually true. They'd die in London when you can only stand on one side of the escalator. As for the classic 'Latino' figure which has always mystified me for being so slender, I can safely report it is a thing of the past. Spain is catching up with England and the US rather swiftly. And this I'm sure, is due to the fact they'd die rather than walk up the stairs. That and the sugary diet. France is still thin, though.

So that's the reliance on cars and an apparent pathological laziness. The other side of the traffic scenario is the noise. I made the mistake of returning to England for 4 days over Easter. Everything there was so serene and peaceful, complete with pleasant duck ponds and general tranquility (and yet my friend was concerned she'd put me in the room next to the road, which was like a library compared to where I am in Spain) that since returning to Spain I just can't believe how loud it is. I had grown immune. Now I've wound back to zero.

There is no curfew here, unless they just break it, which wouldn't surprise me. In England, most by-laws state that any 'unreasonable' noise emmanating from a household or car between 11pm-7am is a breach of the peace. It is not permitted to sound your horn between those hours. I live on the ground floor on a busy road. I didn't think it would be a busy road because you can only get one car down it because it's a very old road and it leads on to the Cathedral Square, and not much else. However, if it's one thing I've learnt it Spain, it's that the Spanish will drive, very fast, anywhere. Because they can. So they do. The music blaring out of their cars (and I mean 80% of all cars, no exaggeration) is so loud that my entire flat rattles and I cannot hear my music. This is with the windows and shutters closed. This goes on all night at weekends. If they are kept waiting for more than 10 seconds, by someone trying to park for example, they will hit the horn several times to express annoyance. At 2am. At 4am. At 5am. And don't even get me started on the motorbikes. It sounds like the world's ending when one of them comes tearing down the street. But the worst and most of obnoxious of all of these, (and all the time petrol fumes are accumulating so much that my room smells of exhaust fumes at times, again with the windows and shutters closed!) is a car with speakers on its roof. The kind they use for elections. Four giant white speakers. It isn't enough that someone has a job driving around destroying the planet's atmosphere with fumes just to sell something, but they also have whatever radio station or political speech they want you to hear on so loudly it actually hurts. Maybe it's worse because it's in Spanish, but I just object so much to my 'space' being invaded by fumes and noise! The thing I just can't get my head around, is this is a little historical Spanish town. They're quite clearly in a big rush to corrode it. Everyone has to drive and everyone has to have a car. People will drive their cars for what would be a 2 minute walk and as a whole the country does not understand the concept of pedestrianization. (They do have pedestrian zones, but relinquish them when they feel like it, and you'll be sitting at a cafe in the sun on a cobbled street, and a truck will go past you at 20 miles per hour spraying dust into your drink).

Spitting and other vulgar excretions/explosions.

Spitting is violent, extreme and indiscriminate here, and usually aimed at the path where you are about to step. I have had to leave cafes before because old men just sit there and hock stuff up. Once on the train I was almost ill after having to listen to a businessman sniff (chestily - I could feel it resonating in me, let alone him) every 20 seconds for half an hour. I wish I knew the Spanish for 'blow your nose you horrid creature!'. Perhaps the idea of holding a hand over your mouth when sneezing or coughing never reached Spain. Doesn't seem like it.

The Bureaucracy.

There's not a lot of point in going into this. I have detailed a few stories in earlier blogs and there are no doubt many, many more from others on the internet. As far as logic, reason and order are concerned, Spain in the absolute antithesis of the planet Vulcan. I maintain, it is an unmanned classroom. The bureaucracy is a joke. A really bad one.

Industrial Accidents/Health and Safety

My friend's brother-in-law was recently killed at work by falling from a building. No harness. He's left a wife and two kids. It doesn't bear thinking about. This is however, rather common. Spain has the highest number of industrial accidents in Europe (source, 'eiro online'). From what I've seen this doesn't surprise me in the least. I don't want to say much more because the subject really upsets me. But basically, there is no such thing as health and safety in this country. Be careful. (That hole is still uncovered and outside my front door.)

Crazy Hours

This isn't really a bad thing. It's just incredible. Tonight for instance, myself and two friends went to the cinema for an early showing (10pm) of Spiderman 3. Two of us ended up not going because the internet lied and told us we'd get English headphones and watching an English filmed dubbed into Spanish is not funny. It's horrific. So one went in and myself and me pal went off for some food at a restaurant. A proper meal! Couldn't eat all of it due to eating little and often for such a long time but it was lovely. Nevertheless, the film ended at 12.25pm so we returned to the cinema to pick up number 3. As we waited outside, people were queueing for another screening. At midnight. I just don't understand!!!!!! We stood waiting and eventually people filed out. My friend said, "No-one looks completely knackered. Where do they get their energy from? I'm completely @&£%$&ed". I just shook my head and visualised my blanket. A spanish friend once explained to me that the way to do it is to get home from work at about 8pm, start cooking, eat around 9pm or 10pm, then go to sleep. Then at 1am, get up, have a shower and go out for the night. I laughed and laughed. Then I realised he was serious. And then I just laughed again.

As I say, not a bad thing, just incompatible with anyone used to sleeping at night time.


THE UGLY

Buildings

Spain can be characterised by structures of unspeakable, breathtaking beauty. Temples, cathedrals, town halls, universities, all of which can be said to boast some of the most beautiful architecture in the world with influences from the Romans and the Moors. However, for some inexplicable reason, they will be next to the biggest pile of dilapidated, shacky shit. You can visit the most beautiful cathedral of your life (as I did, and I nearly cried) but try to get a long shot view of the city and it looks like a bomb's hit it. I have seen several places in Spain, and I can say this with absolute authority. It's a country of stark contrast and unforgivable neglect.

Fashion

For some reason, women in Spain under the age of 50 appear to be under the impression that in order to look attractive you have to dress like a transvestite, and in very little. I never seen so much orange bushy hair in my life. The shoes look like a medieval torture device. Leopard print leggins are all the rage. Fortunately I'm no longer in Catalunya because the mullet situation was getting out of hand. Here, mostly it's just the men who have mullets. It is quite offensive.

I think back to England. We have the Chav. They don't have Chavs here because they are so completely clueless about what to wear (and this isn't an attack - it's endearing and refreshing) that there are no social divides or connotations when wearing a tracksuit. You wear a tracksuit because you're involved in sports. Not because you're a complete dickhead, as in the UK.

As far as young girls going out for the night are concerned, although they look a bit like Bananarama here, I believe I prefer that to a night out in Newcastle, where 15 yr olds totter about the town in mini skirts and vest tops in December (sub-zero temperatures). And often without underwear, as I was most unfortunately informed due to someone bending over with a severe lack of grace.

Spain has more innocence with these things. Still hard on the eye though. Mullets should be banned. It is the 70s here. *Shudder* Once was enough!


So that's my opinion. I have a love - hate relationship with this place. But the best has yet to come. Soon, my teaching contract ends, and I can relax and travel for a month, without the stupid daily annoyances of having to live somewhere. I need to cancel my telephone contract. I'm terrified this may involve several days in a social security office or 3 days in prison or something.

I recommend Spain as an excellent place to see, but living here can be extremely hard work. At first. Of course, once you've got most of the technicalities sorted (it takes a few months, especially if you get robbed by a gypsie), it's up to you to make of it what you will.



That is NOT me! (The donkey or the chica)