ALRIGHTY THEN

"If I had a flat in Ealing, I would never sell it"

- Stupid British woman, tonight, work 'drinks' gathering

That's exactly what I'm talking about. You'd just work for it, pay for it, feel secure, be trapped by it and die in it and leave the money behind. Well done! Bloody baby boomers mindset!

"Make sure you don't fritter it away."

- same stupid British woman, tonight, work 'drinks' gathering

I hadn't thought of this. But that's the key. That's why everyone's worried. They think I'm going to 'fritter it away'. Of course! That's the way they think! MONEY MONEY MONEY.

All I want is the freedom to go where I choose. I have sacrificed all of my previous comforts. I have 3 changes of clothes (at a push) and I live out of a suitcase. I eat very little. I don't have a TV. I don't want possessions. I want experiences and I am prepared to work for them and to continue to sacrifice comforts for them.

But I was being so dense. Some people still think that having money makes you happy and solves all your problems. Of course money can make you happy (as can an ice-cream, temporarily) and solves several problems. There are many serious problems in the world that can be at least alleviated by money (but screw that, let's make Spiderman 4 - Can He Get Any Stupider?) and I'm not belittling the significance of it.

Disposable income buys you things to distract yourself with. But I don't want to be distracted. I want to be awake and alive. They think I want to spend the money. It hadn't occured to me before. Because I don't want to spend the money. This isn't about money. If I really wanted money then of course I wouldn't sell my flat. It is a gold mine. It is my pension. In a beautiful place. I love it. I poured my heart and soul into that flat. My eyes would be lit up with greed as the agents came every year to value my property and tell me how much I'm worth. I could get fatter and fatter, telling myself I'd earned it. Always thinking about selling it one day and going around the world. It's like stocks and shares and 'Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire?'. Do you take the money, or try to get some more? If you're motivated by money, that is what you do. You accrue it, greedily. But you then become trapped by it. Addicted to it.

I want and need my liberty, and above all, TIME. There's so little time. I'm not prepared to do the kind of job that I would need to do to pay for my flat. It tires me out and drains my soul! Therefore I cannot have the flat and it has to go. The way I live my life is more important to me than where I live my life, and the kind of sofa or a big TV. The money from it will stay safe, and I will live my modest life (maybe just for a few months, maybe forever), searching for a job (a way of spending my days) that brings fulfilment, joy and peace. I don't want the money. I want the freedom and the time. I want to be comfortable, of course, and it's a case of finding a balance, but give me time over money any day. I'd go without a meal. I'd walk for days instead of getting transport. I've already given up vanity, though I indulge every so often and try to look nice. I have a pair of black jeans and a pair of black trousers. Sometimes, I get so fed up with the black jeans. But sometimes, I cannot wear the black trousers (certain times of month, etc), so I have to get into the black jeans (which are falling off my hips!) and look pretty damn homeless. That's how extravagant I can be!

But these people who still live in a world of materialism, fashion and all the other things in life I find so false and meaningless (though fun - I'm not a saint!) simply do not believe me.

That's the problem! They're assuming I'm motivated by money.

It is such a lonely feeling, when people misunderstand you so dramatically. And it's disappointing that they would assume I would be so superficial, so frivolous and so 'instant gratification' orientated. That's just the state of being I'm rejecting!

As I say, I'm not saint, I can be extravagant - but I choose to save it for special occasions and live a modest life in between. That's my choice. And my way. And I earn it. And as you can probably tell, I'm beginning to be proud of it. Hurrah!

If one more person tells me not to 'fritter it away', I'm gonna sock 'em in the mouth. Even if it's my Grandmother. If I didn't want to keep the money safe to respect my Mother's wishes and possibly to have a comfy home in the future, I'd be inclined to 'fritter it away' just to piss 'em all off. Perhaps on a Nigerian Space-Balloons project (no such thing - but there really should be just for comedic value and to annoy my sceptics).